*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
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Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Check your privilege
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I want this so bad
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.