Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Anime is real

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is