Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

HR said no more nunchucks.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.