*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

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Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.


My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name


Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.


Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus


Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?


Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon


I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.


We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer


Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol


“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.