If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
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The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.
It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
gf: this is so hot, seth!
seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My Favorite Chops:
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager