@TheAlexNevil

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

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@kelkulus

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

@iGreenGod

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

@HogwartsLogics

Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.

@foodfacenow

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

@Quartzjixler

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

@iAmGolfy

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

@hipstermermaid

“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.