@TheAlexNevil

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

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@aimeevc1970

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

@kirthyiyer

The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.

@captainkalvis

It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground

@mom_ontherocks

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

@Darlainky

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

@SladeWentworth

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

@mamapjs1

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

@iamburtjarvis

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

@DanMentos

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager