*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!