*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
SONOFA
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Happy thanksgiving!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom