Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

October 31

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.