*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.