*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
my one true gender
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*