Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Saturday

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

😭😭

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.