Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

Canada has crack?

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Arrest that man!

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

Had an epiphany today.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?