*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no