That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
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A game married people play.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Tell the colonel to bring it
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
choose your fighter
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Oh my god