Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer