[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
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“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd