*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.