*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
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– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Seems legit
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.