*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.