*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?