*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄