“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.