@awkwardphilippe

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

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@PinkCamoTO

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

@Bookbunny6

Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?

@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

@TweetsByTheTony

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

@Probablyrad

Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music

@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.