Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.