Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

What do you hear?

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

thinking about this

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.