Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

March 16

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.