Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!