Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it