Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.