Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.