*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.