Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

This one’s “Alex”.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.