*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Cheer up.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
normalize having existential bread
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”