[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
We need it on priority
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk