[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
You Might Also Like
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
The Others (2001)
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.