@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

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@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@TheBoydP

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

@QwertyJones3

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

@lasergirl70

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

@Eric_Bader

Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

@OmarNajam

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

@notmythirdrodeo

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

@BigBagOfScum

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”