*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
*snake noises*
*slithers out of relationship*

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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.


The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry


Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by


Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”


Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.


GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!


*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…


Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?


Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”


Me- “who’s the expert now?”