*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*