*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance