Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

Otters see a butterfly.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?