*gets down on one knee*
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
💁🏻♂️
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”