*gets down on one knee*
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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?