(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Britain be like
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
LOL
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
knights of the ikea table
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”