*gets down on one knee*
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
