Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

See..?

.

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures