[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
got so much cardio in today
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram