Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”