*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Phonetics
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.