*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
How much for the goth pool noodles?
The United Steaks of America
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Perfection.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
i just found this in my phone
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so