*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.