Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They did not think through this water fountain

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja