*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
i think we should see other cousins
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.