Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

😂🐾

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-