Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

A little too much information.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything