Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

I march to the beat of my own dumb

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year