@_ShutUpKate

*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”

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@steveolivas

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

@BadMikeyBad

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

@JimmerThatisAll

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

@NolaChef504

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

@DaddyJew

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

@torrami

Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…