saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
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I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”