Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

BRAKING NEWS!!

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?