Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

based al yankovic

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.