Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.