*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”![]()
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
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