[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!