[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
#CatsOnTwitter
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday: