[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*