*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
This is always good for a laugh.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.