* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
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You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Fight
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.