* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Oh boy, $150,000!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol