Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

True

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!