*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
You Might Also Like
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.