*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
These aliens are taking forever.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.