Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist