Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.