Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.