Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

I am having an out of money experience.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.