Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense