Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

goldfish mafia

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

She was rare, like a goth jogging

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife