Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.