Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music